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Love on Valentine's Day

How to GUARANTEE Love on Valentine’s Day

Love on Valentine's DayValentine’s Day is tomorrow and even though I am truly not one to be swept up in the frenzy of a Hallmark enhanced holiday, there is simply no denying that all of us experience at least some pang of anticipation around this day.

 

  • Will someone bring me flowers or chocolates?
  • Better yet, will I have the story to tell about receiving the most creative lover’s gift?
  • What will I be doing when ‘everyone else‘ is experiencing the most romantic night of the year?

 

Really?

 

With these as our mental expectations, it is no wonder why there is a statistically significant spike in calls to divorce attorneys on February 15th!

 

But do you notice a pattern in all the stories the mind tells about this holiday? Look carefully….

 

In each of these cases, we are waiting on the receiving end to be validated by someone else that we are loved in order to FEEL love.

 

We are basically telling ourselves that the only real measure of how lovable we are is what someone else does for us on that day. And if we are considering, in the midst of or post divorce, what do we do with that? And even if we are married, if we live in the ‘real’ word, how likely is this day ever to meet our expectations? Are we just setting our partners up for failure and ourselves up for disappointment?

 

Well, when you put it that way, Adina…

 

Two days ago I hosted my monthly support call on Preparing for Divorce with guest Anna Balfour who is a licensed psychologist in Wayne, PA. (It was an amazing call and if you want a copy of the recording, just e-mail me with “call recording” in the subject line.)

 

In any case, one of the things we talked about on the call is how to GURANTEE love on Valentine’s Day, and here are our top two suggestions:

 

Love Yourself! Yes…The most important source of love in your life is actually your love for yourself. If we cultivate it, it is always there for us. Do something wonderful for yourself, plan a special time during the day just for you, and …really do this… make yourself a card where you remind yourself of 25 things you love about you. Twenty five is a big number and I GUARANTEE that you will feel something extraordinary inside when you take the time to list 25 things you love about yourself. I beg you to try it.

 

Give as much love as you can. Yes, GIVE love to others. There is no better way to experience an abudance of love than to pour out love for others. This can be volunteering somewhere and helping others you do not know feel cared for. This can be choosing 1-3 people in your life that you adore and planning to do something special for them. This can be spending your day engaging in random acts of kindness anywhere you go. Seriously, you will never experience as much joy and love on the receiving end as you will experience by being on the giving end, GUARANTEED!

 

So this Valentine’s Day, no matter who you are or what your relationship status is, be a source of love.

Love Yourself Dearly

Love Others Generously

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Adina Laver is the author of the Divorce Companion™ and founder of Divorce Essentials™, a specialized divorce coaching and support service for those who are considering, in the midst of, or post-divorce and are committed to a healthy path for reclaiming their lives.

 

If you are contemplating a divorce but are stuck or if you are in the throes of making key decisions for your future but need guidance, reach out to Adina. Whether you coach together for one Ala Carte Session or coach for a full Personal Empowerment Breakthrough, Adina is ready to help you navigate through uncertainty so you can create a happier and healthier future!

 

 

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How to be Alone on Valentine’s Day

Whether you are recently divorced, in the midst of divorcing, or contemplating the end of yourValentine's Day marriage, being alone on Valentine’s Day can feel like pouring salt into an open wound. Greeting cards on sale (even at the post office!), commercials on TV for flowers, signs in store fronts, and friends of family members who are making plans for that “romantic evening!” Ready to bury your head under the covers and wait for February 15th to arrive?

Well, don’t. Being alone on Valentine’s Day does not have to leave you feeling “lonely.” Alone is a physical state and lonely is a feeling. They don’t actually go together – and here is how to make sure they don’t “meet up”…

Let’s begin with a little perspective. While there are ancient roots to the holiday, let’s do remember that the modern celebration has been driven by Hallmark. These days, the greatest beneficiaries are the chocolate industry, flower industry and most recently divorce lawyers (according to AVVO.com, there is a 40% spike in searches for divorce lawyers immediately following this ‘lover’s holiday!’).

In fact, neither the 58 billion pounds of chocolate nor the 198 million roses that will be sold for Valentine’s Day are in any way correlated to improving or sustaining loving relationships. Ironically, the failure to “meet expectations” for holiday giving can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for many couples and precipitates discussion of divorce.  So, if you are struggling in your relationship, one of the best gifts you may give to each other this year is the agreement to not celebrate together. This way there are no unmet expectations. Instead, consider the following alternative approach…

Focus on the ‘One Love’ you can always count on… Your love of you! Yes, your love of YOU! Truth be told, this is the love that matters the most, the one that can last forever, the one that even if you are physically alone on Valentine’s Day – you won’t be “lonely” because this is an essential ingredient for lasting love.

This Valentine’s Day, place Divorce aside and let’s focus on you!

Here are three ways to focus on loving yourself this Valentine’s Day:

  1. Write yourself that juicy love letter! As sad as we can get sometimes about the fact that others do not acknowledge us, when is the last time you actually acknowledged yourself? What do you value about you? What do you love about you? What are you most proud of? What do you love about you? I invite you to join me this Valentine’s Day in sitting down and writing yourself a love letter. (I will post mine on my blog on February 14th and I invite you to post a message and share yours there as well!)
  2. Reach out to those who love you. Identify three people in your life who have done something in the past year that has truly felt loving to you. Make or buy them a card, send them a note, or give them a call and tell them how much you appreciate them. Share with them something specific they have done for you that really made you feel loved. You will be absolutely amazed at how good you will feel when you do this.
  3. Do something you love. Rather than focusing your energies on what Hallmark thinks you should be doing on February 14th, do something you love to do. If you love to swim, set aside time and go swimming (probably indoors if you are up north like me!). If you love to dance, set aside time to turn on the music and let yourself go. If you love to read, set aside time cozy up with a great book. Whatever it is, give yourself the gift of doing something you love.

And one last thing… Please join me, Adina Laver, Divorce & Relationship Coach, and my guest, Dr. B. Hibbs, Psychologist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of “Try to See it My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage” for a Valentine’s Day and Divorce free support call on February 12th. Click here for information and to register.

This Valentine’s Day, focus on the one love you can truly count on!

______________________________

Divorce Essentials, founded by Divorce Coach Adina Laver, is a specialized divorce coaching and support service for those who are considering, in the midst of, or post-divorce and are committed to a healthy path for reclaiming their lives.

If you are contemplating a divorce but are stuck or if you are in the throes of making key decisions for your future but need guidance, reach out to Adina. Whether you coach together for one Let’s Get Real Mini Session, or coach for a full Personal Empowerment Breakthrough, Adina is ready to help you navigate through uncertainty so you can create a happier and healthier future!

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